|day 4| i struggled with this one.

i was raised in a Seventh-Day Adventist Christian home, super duper religious. i was in Adventurers, in Pathfinders (like boys/girls scouts), i was in the choir, in all the youth groups. if i wasn't around family, i was with church folk. ya girl was there and all this time i felt this huge disconnect. i remember always feeling like i could never measure up to the idea of God or religion that i was taught to believe in. i always felt like i constantly fell short, that i wasn't holy enough, that i just wasn't doing enough to be considered a good Christian. in addition, i always had questions with answers that never quite made sense. i remember being 15 and asking a one of the elders a question during sabbath school and he didn't have an answer. now i understand that not everyone knows everything, but at that moment, i just felt very unsatisfied. from then on, i started expecting less as my curiosity grew.

as i have grown older, so has my frustration towards the religion i grew up in. I have stopped asking questions because it tends to get side looks or worse it gets chalked up to being a wayward youth who will soon see the light again. i resent that with a passion actually. why can't my questions and concerns be valid? why can't i have the room to explore? can i ever get that or is that too much to ask for?

needless to say, i don't really go to church as much as i used to now that i'm older (also other factors here). this is a topic i tend to avoid talking about because i already know i'll be considered to be 'out in the world'.

there's so much i can say about this and i always feel like i can't have this conversation with others and feel heard.

anyway, i hope your Monday went well.

until next time, Nneoma