Expectation v. Reality

It's been a minute...or rather a few. I have started and deleted countless times. The past month and a half has to be the most transformative period because ya girl is struggling. I'm talking the kind of struggle where there's no end in sight so you just accept it. Allergy season has also got me so basically i'm completely out of commission until further notice. Remember when you were younger and you would dream of being older? My best friend and I would spend hours on the phone, a lot of the time saying absolutely nothing, dreaming about what our 20s would look like. Would we have amazing jobs? Maybe living in LA or NY? We would have our own spots, school will be a thing of the past and we would be living without a care in the world. We would be fabulous like the girls in the music videos with illogically long hair and real clear skin in a seemingly happy relationship living our lives like it's golden. Fast forward 10 or so years and a heavy dose of reality later, I am fabulous with clear skin (shoutout to skincare, regular trips to le gym and water) with an undergrad degree under the belt, I am nowhere near the future 10-year-old me had envisioned. I still live at home, I am 3 years post grad and still struggling to get a full-time job. I am certainly not galavanting without a care in the world. Student loans and credit card debt is real. Friendships can get strange and I am not dating though this one is by choice. This 2018 is the year of minding my own business (this topic deserves its own post..soon come). It's hard not to feel disappointed in myself for not reaching the goals I set for myself so long ago. Goals change as we evolve and grow and yet these past 7 or so months, I find myself feeling defeated because of the things I haven't accomplished.

Why is it so much easier to obsess over what we don't have rather than what we do? I have been dealing with this distaste of my current reality because it's not what I had planned. Full disclosure, I, Nneoma, like to plan, don't let the laid-back attitude fool you, it's just my thing. It makes me feel somewhat at ease when I have a loose idea of what to anticipate. When said plans are thrown out the window, I plot 3 more possible outcomes. These past 7 months have been ABSOLUTELY chaos and not in my itinerary. I would be lying if I said i'm ok with it because i'm not at all. I have come to a point where I now welcome the uncertainty.  I'll be sure to check back in when this is not the case. I went outside for the first time in a week (did i mention allergy season is really coming for my entire life) and it was beautiful. This past winter seemed like it would never end, we even had snow in April. Yet you couldn't tell by looking. Greenery and sunlight in every direction I looked. It looked so beautiful and serene. I would like to believe that my moment is coming, in the meantime, I am ok with this space i'm in now.

until next time,